Idiot: Genius

Idiot: Genius: Went to stay with the grandparents recently... it threw up a few issues... Firstly Grandad asked me to put music on his new phone, I asked...

Genius

Went to stay with the grandparents recently... it threw up a few issues...

Firstly Grandad asked me to put music on his new phone, I asked if he had any music on his computer for me to put on there and he said yes, loads.

We went upstairs and I asked him to show me the music... he then went on the internet, typed in SKYfm radio, jazz channel,  and said 'There... put that music on my phone.'

The next 20 minutes was carnage... trying to explain that you couldn't put all the music off the radio onto your phone, as it wasn't your music.

We had arguments of:
but it is mine, I listen to it on my computer and,
my computer man has done it for me before (no he definitely hasn't).

It was the start of a sequence of computer related torture, trying to teach them how to upload pictures onto facebook when they don't even know how minimise an open page. Or teaching them to download music when they couldn't work out why, when they typed a comment on facebook it wouldn't send (they never actually pressed send...just typed it and expected it to know when to send itself).

I also caught my gran trying to pick some pieces of fudge up off the table by using a spoon... and pushing them onto a knife to try and scoop them up.......... Which essentially led to, what looked like a dirty protest all over our table. She did it about 4 times... 

I casually mentioned that she should probably use the knife to push them onto the spoon, as they'd be slightly easier to scoop in a device designed for scooping and she nearly soiled herself. She cry laughed at full volume for a good 15 minutes, in a restaurant, then told at least 12 people (strangers mostly) the story of how she tried to scoop things up with a knife...

Idiot: Sometimes I forget i'm a woman...

Idiot: Sometimes I forget i'm a woman...: I met a friend from Melbourne the other day..went to a pub... drank cider and had to pee A LOT. I wandered down the stairs to get to the b...

Sometimes I forget i'm a woman...

I met a friend from Melbourne the other day..went to a pub... drank cider and had to pee A LOT.

I wandered down the stairs to get to the bathroom, walk in, see the urinals... don't seem to register what they symbolise and go into the singular cubicle with a door that doesn't lock...

I lean on the door... finish... walk out... see the urinals again... STILL don't register, then see the ladies toilets on the left..awkward... but no one saw....

I went to the same pub tonight with different friends, mention having a wee and accidently slip in "I hope I don't walk into the mens again" It was one of those things that after you say it, you're like.. Damit, why did I say that?...I almost got away with it, but my inability to internalise thoughts betrayed me...

I walked down the same stairs... into the ladies (score) and am SOOO pleased with myself for remembering where it is, I strut straigghttt out of the ladies, and accidently walk straigghhttt into the mens... where I see a man and a teeeeeny bit of penis.

Worst.

Also how annoying is it when you blow your nose...and you're like... FREEEDOMMMMMM I can breatheeeee, then like two seconds later its like trying to breathe without nostrils.

On the plus side, a man who slightly resembled Prince Charles and smelt like an anus asked me to marry him on the tube ride home. Alwayssss a silver lining....

Job Application

I did a job application today for an internship at Red Bull F1 Racing .....

Let me show you why i'm still unemployed.

The application turned out to be 'a blank page... tell us why you should get the job and be as creative as you like'..

I'm not sure what led me to write this....

"In my life I have faced many challenges, such as fitting through small doorways and buying trousers that reach my ankles. However I have not let this serious affliction (being 6”2 and a woman) affect me.

I’ve been called a freak, Godzilla and Hagrid’s girlfriend, but I have never been called lazy or disorganised. 

......blabla.... a bit about other things I haven't been called............

I haven’t been back in England for long, but living in Australia, I feel I must mention the extent to which Mark Webber has been thrust in my face. Despite flatly denying my interest in any Australian F1 driver while I was actually in Australia, I secretly developed a crush on him. Working with the Red Bull Racing team would give me an excellent professional cover for my interest. "

I also decided it would be a good idea to attach a picture of me, showing what a huge freak I am...

I feel this may not have gone well......

I swear, only to me.

Kings Cross is one of the busiest stations in the world (I say this like it's fact... I have no idea) and I was there today wandering through the busiest part with roughly five heavy bags. I was getting in people's wayyy, tripped once over my wheelie bag but nothing major.

Until a 2x2m poster decided to blow off the wall just as I walked past.. and slap me in the face. It essentially covered my entire body and due to the number of bags I was carrying it stayed on me, blinding me, for at least 10 seconds.

I heard everyone around me laugh....and this is what I looked like....

Why....in a station with about 100,000 people in it... did the poster slap ME in the face/whole body.

Because f*ck you... that's why.

Potentially made a 3 year old racist.

I babysat for a 3 year old, and a 5 year old the other night. They had these lollipops that turned their tongues different colours... I asked the 3 year old which colour he wanted, red or black.... and he says 'I don't like black'.

I wittily replied 'ooh racist' ... just out of (a retarded) habit.

This ended in my having to explain, in depth, what racism was... to a 3 year old... Not as easy, or fun as it sounds.

Fat Ron

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part  2 was epic. The best part? Where Ron spectacularly fails at putting his shirt on after the dragon flight. I love it, I actually love watching him suck in his glowing white tummy and try and put on a skin tight shirt. You'd have thought they would have let him have another go... or at least let him keep his awkward belly off the screen :/

The picture has nothing to do with anything I just said, it's not even the same movie... but its funny cos he's got his bewb out.

THIS IS SPARTA

A day spent learning about the Olympics... it was actually quite interesting. I mean.. did you know that every single country's flag has at least one of the colours on the Olympic flag? That the first Olympics was in 776 BC and that its called a marathon because the Greeks won a war against the Persians in a place called Marathon, and ran the 26 miles to Athens to spread the word of victory.

The best part though... when the speaker said, "It is alleged that the messenger then ran from Athens to Sparta... does anyone know anything about Sparta?"

A moment of silence passes as the kids look around...daring each other to say it...

I wondered what was going on, and realised a second too late as a kid stands up and shouts....

I can't believe it. I've waited months for an opportunity to shout this.. and I was beaten by a 12 year old.

No.

Good Gordon...I don't care what anyone says, it is not OK to put 'I snuck into a park and made love to a male friend of mine' as your facebook status. -.- NOT ok.

Mum actually kinda looked like this...

no, YOU'RE annoying

Anyone that has spent time applying for jobs knows the inner rage it brings out. Stupid questions like; why do you want to work for this company? ... and you don't even remember which company you're applying for, but you have to make up some utter BS about how much you adore it.

Well I had been doing this all morning, and all yesterday anddd the day before anddd the day beforeee (there were definite drinking binges in between these) so I was in a bad mood.

Mum comes home and starts eating... and while i'm sure to a person in control of their emotions it would have been almost silent, but to me it was like a hippo inhaling some sort of dead animal. I look at her.... she looks back... I look at her again... she says "what's the matter with you"... I reply like a moody teenager; "nothing -.- .. except you being annoying"....

Here is probably where she should have slapped me for being a whiney little bitch... instead she says,

"no YOU'RE annoying".....

so I say..."no YOU'RE annoying" ...

"NO YOU'RE ANNOYING"

"noooo you're annoying -.-"

 and this goes on for a good three minutes with only slight variations like,
"no, listen to yourself, YOU'RE annoying".

To be honest, she helped...I got out some of the childish rage I was feeling.
But still... she was the annoying one. Not me....

Idiot in daily life

Stupid things happen to me... daily. I figured it was time to write some of them down so people can feel better about their own lives.

For example... today I went to climb Bukit Shabandar... 5 minutes in, I realised I needed the toilet and couldn't wait. Soooo I forced mum to go back to the toilet at the start with me so I could prevent having to wee in the jungle.  I wandered in, casually slipping on the inch of water that seems to be present in EVERY Bruneian toilet, and saw what was essentially a hole in the ground and a door with no lock. People walking in on you in a normal toilet is bad enough, but the thought of someone witnessing the awkward crouching over a hole situation was horrendous... so I had to go and get my mummy to hold the door closed for me... I then couldn't find the flush, and mum had to come in and do it for me. I feel like the whole experience highlighted the fact that I am, in general, shit at life.